@JeanneTakenaka +Jeanne Takenaka
Our Five Minute Friday prompt this week is—SURRENDER. This largely unedited “rough draft” form of writing stretches this perfectionist, in the best of ways. We write for five minutes on a given word. If you’re interested in learning more about 5-Minute Fridays, check out the Five Minute Friday website. Or, click on the link at the bottom of this post. As you read my simpler Friday posts, I hope you’ll join in the conversation!
If you’ve read my blog for very long, you know part of my story is a walk through the valley of infertility. As I thought about this word, God brought to mind a lesson from those years . . .
And I’m sorry, I went a few minutes over five tonight . . .
Was it too much to ask? Really?
All I wanted was the gift of being able to bear a child. To carry one within, go through the blessed pain of birth, of sustaining from my own body . . . God created women’s bodies to do this.
So why couldn’t mine? Why wouldn’t mine?
This desire to bear children is God-given. It wasn’t too much to ask.
Yet every month, my body betrayed me by acting normal, as it always had.
I begged God. Begged friends to pray. Did research on how to get pregnant.
I wept. I got angry. I felt despair at times. Deep despair.
And still, no baby.
I spent hours in God’s word. Tried to serve. Tried to ignore the fact that teenage mothers were having babies they didn’t want. And I (and Hubs) who wanted a baby couldn’t have one.
I fisted this desire and held it tight in my heart. So tight I thought my heart would crack.
God finally challenged me. He showed me how I had made this baby-thing an idol. It had become more important to me than an authentic relationship with Him.
He challenged me to surrender this craving for motherhood. To lay it in His hands, with no promises.
And it was one of the hardest things I’d done up to that point in my life.
As I searched verses for this post I saw a common thread in surrender. When we surrender something, or ourselves, we have to choose to do so. We have to choose to give up . . .
Give up ourselves, our hearts, our desires. We have to Let. Go.
When we are obedient in the surrender, God honors that. He spares things. He blesses His people. He handles us with love. No matter what we’ve done. How willful we’ve been.
When we refuse? When His people won’t surrender? Things inevitably become more difficult.
When we cling to our own way over God’s way? He can’t make anything good come of that. He will wait and let us wear ourselves out. He doesn’t love us less. But He won’t usually wait too long for us to make a different choice.
When we choose to walk in disobedience, we walk outside the umbrella of His protection. And the consequences will come.
When we choose to walk in the center of God’s will, He affirms us in that choice. He doesn’t always make it easier. Sometimes it feels harder.
But when we surrender our will to walk in His? That’s when we walk with assurance.
Surrendering this deep-hearted desire for motherhood brought me to a place of humility. It also renewed my love for God.
And in time—His time—He gave us the gift of our two boys. I’m not sure if I’d ever have had the privilege of being their mom if I hadn’t first chosen to trust God when He told me to let go.
What about you? What is the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to surrender? What is the most impacting lesson you’ve seen come out of surrendering?
I love this song by Lincoln Brewster and it fits with this week’s post. I hope you enjoy it!
I’m linking up with Five Minute Friday—Surrender