This post is a little longer than most of my posts. I wanted to share some of what God’s showing me about my One Word: Authentic. I hope you’ll read to the end.
I’m living in the limp lane of life right now. My knee is slowly recovering from ACL reconstruction surgery in February, and I don’t get much done from sun up to sun down. I’ve had to accept that some tasks will be completed, and others will wait for another day.
I’m used to being in the “do-er lane.” Moving fast through my to-do list, accomplishing much in a day. I’m up and down and moving around, going to appointments and driving the kids where they need to be.
“Do-ing” makes me feel accomplished. Like I’m achieving, serving others, and being productive. I believe it may also cover over the sense of inadequacy I’ve struggled with since girlhood. If I’m accomplishing, surely that gives me value, right? Marking things off my to-do list means I’m being productive, doesn’t it?
The limp lane has forced me to slow down and examine— not just my physical life—but my spiritual life.
Because of the wounds rejection and bullying inflicted on me as a girl, I learned certain lessons. Granted, my wounds are not as deep or devastating as many. I discovered ways to protect myself from being hurt again.
I learned to tuck away my emotions—the ones I deemed unacceptable by others—and I only let the safe ones show, or I went into “observer mode.” The problem with this is that I’ve become afraid of feeling, really feeling. If I let my true feelings show, I could be rejected. Or, they could be used against me to make me feel “less-than.”
I’ve been living in the “limp lane” in my spiritual life. I spend time with the Lord every day. He feeds and nourishes me. He speaks to my heart, draws me in and equips me.
The Lord has shown me how my wound has distorted some of His truths.
I’ve spent years grappling with the effects of rejection. The heartache, the lies I’ve latched onto because, well . . . they felt and seemed so real . . . the ways I’ve viewed myself, believing I was less-than others because of who I am.
When something happened that struck that wound, I prayed about it, and stuffed the emotion. The fear of feeling the pain, of exposing my heart to another—and even to God—felt too risky.
I accepted the confirmation of my lies and worked to align my thoughts and feelings with God’s word as best I could. And I moved onward. I didn’t deal with the pain of the event. I merely accepted it.
I strove to overcome all of this in my own strength. I’ve asked God for help, and He’s helped me. But, I’ve also worked to handle things on my own, because that’s how this independent woman rolls.
Or limps, as I’m seeing now.
The missing factor in this equation is embracing God’s view of me. Sure, He loves me. I know this.
But have I truly grasped how very much He loves me? Have I accepted that I am beautiful to Him? That He only created one Me?
Not because the mold was so bad, but because I am that special to Him. That goes for each one of us. He created us for continual fellowship with Him, not only so we can call out to Him when we’re desperate.
When we insist on operating in our own strength, rather than trusting God, we end up walking with a limp. We topple and fall.
As much as we let God into our hard, He enters in. But if we choose to “buck up” and do things on our own, God won’t force His way into the situation. He’ll be there for us, but He never forces.
I’ve come to see that I walk spiritually with a limp right now.
I’m tired of limping.
As God shows me when I’m thinking/operating in the lies I’ve believed for decades, I pray. I’m asking for His perspective, and I’m learning to lean on Him in new ways.
Pursuing authenticity with God isn’t easy, but I want this more than I want to do things in my own way. The first step for me is to trust God with my real emotions.
I want to stand fast, walk strong in His strength. My own strength is pretty weak.
What about you? When have you lived in the “limp lane” of life? How have you learned to trust Jesus in new ways?
This song, by Francesca Battistelli, fits the idea of being honest with God and each other.