By Jeanne Takenaka
When we were deep into our walk in infertility, I struggled with discontentment, I yearned for a child weighting down my arms down. A wee one to nurture. It became my daily—no, hourly—prayer. My cry when my body revealed I was not pregnant. The sorrow and grief of being denied what my heart was designed to yearn for about broke me.
I came to the place where having a child was a greater desire than seeking God’s will for me. I questioned Him about His love for me. Did He really love me if He denied me this one desire?
Recently, I was reading in Psalm 78. A verse struck me in a way I hadn’t read it before:
Verse 18 says: “And in their heart they put God to the test by asking food according to their desire.” (NASB)
That whole “asking according to their desire” thing convicted me.
Did the Israelites ask because they weren’t satisfied with God’s provision for them? He provided food every day in the desert. They didn’t have to cook it or store it or lug it from place to place. It simply . . . appeared. Every morning. All they had to do was go gather it.
Were they just willful and selfish in their core? Was this why they desired what they wanted over what God wanted?
Contentment with God’s provision is sometimes hard, and it’s always a choice. When we set our hearts on something outside God’s provision we become frustrated and unhappy. Discontentment will reign in our heart and our thoughts.
Was I putting God to the test when I strived with Him for a baby? Probably.
The amazing thing is in that season, He lavished His grace on me. He called me up short when I questioned His love, but He didn’t stop loving me. He reminded me that He loves me completely, passionately and perfectly.
Once I embraced that truth, it was easier to trust His plan for our family. Whether or not it included children.
When we trust that what God provides is enough, then we can walk in contentment. This requires us to trust that He knows what we need, that He’s given us enough for this moment.
I learned much during that season of my life. One hard-to-accept lesson was embracing contentment in the place of wanting.
God is in that place, providing all we require. Sometimes we need to re-evaluate our desires and see if they line up with His desires for us. When they don’t can we yield, choose to believe His provision is enough and trust Him?
What about you? When have you walked through a season of desiring something God withheld? How did you handle it? Do you think it’s necessary to trust God’s provision to know contentment?